She sat at the bus stop and spoke to strangers.
She is not a better person. She says. Far from it. She is a work in progress. A difficult, opinionated, happy, work in progress. Daily reminding herself that she needs to be kinder. She needs to think kinder thoughts. To be more mindful. To be more generous. To smile more. To think of others twice before she thinks of herself. To use her ears as much or more than she uses her mouth. To accept love when love is offered and to be graceful when she loses an argument or a game.
She will not forgive him though. A nameless him. A faceless him.
“Shall we call someone?”…”someone who can come get you?”
She would never do anything to harm him, she says, she just won’t forgive him.
A pause. Silence. We start to leave. She is crazy.
Not after what he has done. she says
“what has he done?”…”Are you injured?”
Not yet. Not today. Not tomorrow. And possibly not the day after that.
She will live in her unforgiving state for a while. She will enjoy the not forgiving.
She laughs a little brittle laugh.
She says she will call friends to let them know that she hasn’t forgiven him.
She will even call her family and let them know. His family too if she has to.
If he was alive, she would not speak to him. Silence & No Contact would make him understand that she hasn’t forgiven him.
She smiles. Her eyes glitter with tears. She shakes her head to keep the tears away? Or to shake a memory?
Because, she asks, why would she forgive him for making sure that she felt, felt deep inside her, that
- she is prioritizing the wrong things, but, only when she prioritizes herself? her needs?
- she is not good enough to be loved?
- she is not good enough at loving?
- her work is not as important as his? if she works overtime once a week, it too much, and when he works overtime twice a week it is too little?
- she did not deserve to achieve what she has achieved?
- she does not deserve to have the dreams that she has?
- her expectations are wrong, other people have better expectations?
- her boundaries are not as good as his boundaries? or other people’s boundaries?
- her lies are worse than his lies? even when he constantly lies about their future and she lies about her past?
- her people are less than his people? based on his expectations of how people should be?
- the places that she knows well & love traveling to are not good enough for him?
- her ways of escape are not as good as his?
- she is not worth some expense, or some trouble, or some concern, or some compliment?
- her anger, or any of her negative emotions are not valid? other people that he knows don’t have negative emotions. That makes them normal, while making her abnormal.
- she may not be a good parent when that time comes, because she does occasionally get angry, or sad, or drunk, or restless, or dissatisfied?
That after all that, after all the trying & fighting, and talking & making up. He would go and kill himself.
She will not forgive him now.
She will try later, but not now. Even nature is, sometimes, unforgiving.