Yesterday and today, I am home sick. Coughing my eyes out, blowing my tonsils out through the nose and damaging my vocal cords with all the throat clearing and swallowing of the phlegm. My singing career is shelved. Half of Stockholm is home sick with some virus or other. Bacteria maybe?
I am no good at being sick. Today, the 2nd day of my illness, I went to the doctor. Google. Fortunately, it is not throat or chest cancer as I feared. Or any other mortal malady for that matter.
I chose the most lenient of diagnoses: A regular cold with an itchy throat.
- runny or stuffy nose
- sinus pressure
- itchy eyes and skin
- swollen, red, or watery eyes
I am not a beauty to reckon with, but this brings another level of un-beautiful to my days. Runny & stuffy nose looks disgusting in the morning, whitish or yellowish/greenish googoo dried up. Sinus Pressure means I can’t breath when I wake up, so I open my mouth like a fish and make sounds that could send any love away. Even this great love. It’s that sound from behind the nose. Ghighighighiiighi. Please add the mucousy/liquid sound to this and spit. As soon as I make that sound, I throw up. The mucus I swallowed through the night, the phlegm stored behind the eyes and the lemon & ginger water with honey that I have been gurgling down as home remedy.
Itchy eyes and skin means itchy scalp, eyes, face, underarm, dry itchy nose, back pain from lying down too long in the sofa. Sneezing can end any which way, missiles unintentionally flying from the throat to the window where the bird shit from the summer is stuck from the outside. I haven’t got to cleaning yet. Or it can end with me exhausted, in utter tiredness in the sofa with my hurting back, un-showered itchy bits, Afro in all directions, eyes running with tears of self pity, red with lack of sleep due to the coughing and swollen from the scratching.
It is hell.
What do I do to fix things?
I fix the kitchen. The corner cupboard arrived on Saturday, empty. Who spends their days devising ways to drive me nuts? I can fill it up with crap, but maybe I need to buy the crap? I walked out the door without showering, took a hat to my head, thank heavens for winter! I went shopping to ease my pain and catch some sunshine. Its a farce!
Winter is Back.
The sun sets at 16:45 & the darkness begins at 16:50. The sun rises (It is there somewhere behind the darkness I suppose) at 8:45 & the rain never stops. The night is at Minus-degrees Celsius.
So I bought a Phillips Light therapy apparatus.
This is not a commercial. I am not paid to sell anything. Well, except I pay myself handsomely to sell myself. I am good at data handling. I am good at communication. I am a kick-ass team lead. I suck at the painstaking crap/empty-talk so I need to learn that. I am worse than doctors when I am sick. I impulse buy crap to comfort myself. I keep the receipts so I can return the crap when I am better. Shopkeepers that know me, hate me. Thank God for online markets, they don’t know me. Or do they?
This light was an impulse buy. It will make me better. Heal my eyes and my aching back. Make my nose clean in the mornings and handle my flying phlegm after a sneeze. It will stand in our corner cupboard in the kitchen.
I will let you know how that pans out.
While at it, I also bought a computer bag, a nice one because the old one I have isn’t nice – daaaa – designed for a Mac 13. It will fit for my Dell 13. I bought a 12 packet of AA batteries, on sale because a thief had stolen 3 batteries from the packet. That thief wasn’t me. So I bought 9 AA batteries. I don’t know what I need them for. But don’t doubt it, I need them.
I learnt something new today.
Caroline speaks about an Interiority Complex, as opposed to Superiority or Inferiority Complex. Both of which come from a place of insecurity.
And it’s good to be alive, to laugh and love and thrive.
I had been thinking.
Pulling my hair.
Gnashing my teeth.
Scratching my back.
Picking at the pimples on my face.
Scratching my scalp bloody.
Biting my nails.
Re-counting my years.
Checking the wrinkles that may or may not be showing up.
Checking my awaited grey hairs.
Learning new things.
Investing the savings.
Thinking. Choosing. Re-choosing.
What a luxury! To have choice. All these wonderful choices.
Some mornings, I woke up sad. Some nights, I slept close to tears.
I can afford the rent.
I can feed myself.
I can pay my ticket and hotel room in Paris.
I can buy my own shoes.
The thought hit me.
To choose; when you have everything else and the only thing left to choose is love; you have to choose the love you cannot live without.
The silent question: “how to choose?”
Pooh answered: “You cannot go through your feminist life looking back at the things you rejected and miss & regret when you are 50, 60, 70 years old.
If you cannot say the below to the rejected, the left behind, the discarded, the not-chosen, or to yourself, and really mean it; then you cannot reject. Anything. Anyone. Ever.
- I do not love you. I wish you well.
- I love someone else. I hope someone else will love you.
- I am not available for you. I am prioritizing someone else.
- You have to celebrate one more birthday without me. And many more in the future.
- Someone else’s feelings and happiness mean more to me than your feelings and happiness. I hope you will be happy anyway.
- I will not miss you.
- I will not miss your voice.
- I will not miss your wonderful face.
- I will not miss your smile.
- I will not miss your jokes.
- I will not miss your body.
- I will not miss your body odor. In fact, I will forget it.
- I will not your input when I need input.
- I will not miss your feedback when I need feedback.
- I will not miss taking a walk with you in the city.
- I will not miss your/our friends.
- I will not miss your family.
- I will not miss watching TV with you.
- I will not miss spooning with you in the mornings.
- When I think of love, when I dream of love, when I speak of love; I will not think of you.”
I found this, and I am crying in laughter 🙂